I am curious and surprised that in three days I will hit the one month mark of being on this diet. Aside from my pre-surgery diet for the Laproscopic Banding, this is the longest I have ever stuck with a diet. I'm curious because I've never made it that long and wonder why I am now. And yet I know why.... I have someone to report to!
I am surprised because normally by now, I give it up as being a bad job or say it's too hard or get frustrated or pissy or downright rebellious. I'd think to myself: "I shouldn't have to watch what I eat or count calories or read labels or exercise! I'm a Big, Beautiful Woman and if they don't like it, they can piss off! I'm who I am and I don't care!"
How many times that little rebellious bunny reared it's ugly ears, I can't say. But I am trained and initiated into a magical tradition that heavily stresses Self Responsibility. Everything I do is my own choice. It's MY responsibility to take care of my own body. And although the benefit of losing all this weight means buying new clothes and being more in line with what Western culture considers beautiful, I am really doing this for health reasons. I don't want to die of a heart attack at the age of 47 like my Dad did. I don't want to be wheelchair bound by the time I am 50 (this was an actual warning from my rheumatologist) and I don't want breast cancer like my Mother, Grandmother, and Great-Grandmother. (Yes I have had a mammogram - all clear).
So back to the bit about self responsibility. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine a few months ago, and I was saying how I came to this really hardcore sort of realization that my weight was really and truly MY fault. Sure, having short, round parents didn't help my DNA any, but it's MY choices in life that have kept me this way. She is also a plus size girl, and right away she started huffing away about how this society feeds us poison in the form of fast food and huge portions and no one tells us that this crap is bad for us so we just go on shoveling it in our mouths and our culture is geared towards generating fat people. I had to stop her and say: "YES, in some ways, you are right. But there ARE lots of warnings and health professionals screaming in print and voice that all this shit is bad for us and yet, we still chose to eat it."
She went on protesting, but I had to shut her off. I could hear her talking, but I refused to listen anymore. She was trying so hard to defend her own lifestyle, and here I am trying to change mine. I have decided, although this person and I have been friends a long time, that it is time for me to quietly and carefully back away and make some space between us. I need as many cheerleaders as I can get on this journey, not nay-sayers.
So along with the Self Responsibility comes the actual WORK of doing all that. It's hard. I'm having a battle with the four year old in my head who is having a ridiculous tantrum about the stupidest craving EVER. I mean, I always thought my cravings were sugar related. Ice cream being a particularly bad thing for me to be around. Cookies, cake, pie, all of that stuff has been my downfall in the past. But now that they make sugar free things that taste just as good as the original, I am finding that I eat a LOT less of the dessert-type foods anyway. What I DO crave is bizarre. Chicken Quesadillas from Friendly's Restaurant.
For some reason, my brain/tastebuds/belly have glommed on to this one terribly fattening item as the end all, be all of yumminess. WHY!??!??!?!?!?!?!? As BikiniBound tried to tell me, "they're not really even that good." But to me, they are. How the hell did I swap a drooling need for ice cream in favor of this stupid quesadilla thing? I don't know, but it's annoying the ever living crap out of me, and you probably didn't need to hear all about it. But what's typed is typed. I guess I just had to get it out.
*deep breath*
I am popping the clutch on this conversation.
Okay, so today I went with my best friend to the Bridal Barn in South Deerfield to be fitted for our bridesmaids dresses. I have been dreading this for obvious reasons. Being measured isn't my fav thing. But I am worried about this dress. Firstly, here is a picture of the beautiful bridesmaids dress Tess has picked out:
The color is Alfred Angelo's "Tealness". Isn't it beautiful? I saw it on some of the other Bridesmaids and was like: "OOOOooooh!" and then right on the heels of that came "UH-OH." Yeah, umm...I'm a size 28-30. This dress comes in a size 28, but I KNOW I'd be popping out of that thing like Janet Jackson at the SuperBowl with her "wardrobe malfunction". Needless to say, my 'girls' are much bigger than this dress accounts for, size 28 or not. Add in the fact that ALL of my weight is in my chest and stomach (my legs and butt are quite small!), I knew that this was going to be a huge problem when I sat down. Chiffon is forgiving, but not that forgiving. And sadly with my RA, sitting down a lot is a part of life.
Ahhh but the Goddess had a plan in mind. One of the other bridesmaids discovered she was pregnant a few weeks ago, and sure enough, will be eight and a half months along on October 12th, 2008. So that original dress was out. She had to be fitted for a maternity gown. Here is a pic:
I immediately jumped on that bandwagon! Despite never wanting children EVER, I do know my stomach could easily be mistaken for being pregnant. This dress allows for that tummy in front! So if I sit down, I don't have to fear looking like a beached whale in teal chiffon. I know my goal is to be down at least 40 pounds by 10/12/08, (and I WILL be!) but a dress like this is MUCH easier to alterate and take IN than it is to take out. So we are merging the two dresses. Lisa and I get the 'maternity' gown, and they are going to hem it the same way as the one the other girls are wearing. I tried my best to photoshop it so you can get an idea of what it will look like.
So yes. I am happy. I know for certain that I will have to have it taken in come the end of September, but it is worth ALL the money I will spend on alterations to lose this weight. It was kind of amusing, but the woman doing the fitting said: "Well don't lose 200 pounds or that would be very bad!"
I touched her shoulder, smiled a little and said quietly: "If I did, it would be worth the price of all the dresses in this shop."
She smiled back and nodded. It was a nice moment.
Okay, I think the last thing I wanted to ramble about (are you really still reading? Amazing!) was these next four weeks. I have literally scheduled something every single day. My plans include: Moving from Brattleboro, VT to Greenfield, MA. Hosting a friend from England. Taking her and me all over New England and even to New York City.
Man, if I don't lose at LEAST ten pounds by all that physical exercise, I'll be some kind of shocked!
Now if I can only continue to eat/drink (V8) those damn vegetables, I will be all good.
2 comments:
I think this is a really great entry. I'm sorry, I meant to comment on it yesterday, but I didn't put it on my TDL, so it completely slipped my mind. Here goes...
I don't know if you thought of it, or I mentioned it, but April 1st marked the beginning of the second quarter of 2008. And May 1 will mark the beginning of the second third. So from May 1 - October 1 you have one-third of the year to reach your goal.
The one-month mark of the diet though, huh? That's a big deal. I congratulate you wholeheartedly. This morning was my 40th day of writing mantras, and it occurred to me that if I were Noah, I'd be emerging from the ark on that day. Just one of my random thoughts.
I too have that rebellious voice... and I still wonder what was different this time for me that I triumphed over it. Well, I had the rebellious voice.. it's sort of disappeared now that I'm no longer "obese" on the BMI scale, but just "overweight." I feel a little bit skinny, and I think I can get more skinny, so I no longer have to battle with the "Righteous Fat Girl" voice.
I think the only reason I was successful was because there was a lot less temptation options in Korea. It was hard for me in America, because I'd stick to a diet for 3-5 days at most, and then something bad (or even just irritating) would happen, and I'd want to eat, so suddenly I'd become indignant about society judging me. ~rolls eyes~ It's really stupid, as you know.
I'm sure there really are overweight people who genuinely believe this: "I'm who I am and I don't care!"... but I wasn't one of them. I DO care when people think I'm fat, and I genuinely want to be thin for myself. It was just an easy thing to say when I was tired of not getting to eat ice cream 3 times a day.
I'm glad you have that special training in self responsibility... it'll help you to stick to this in a world (country) with Friendly's... I'm not sure I could have gotten to this point still living right down the street from one.
I personally think saying that you "didn't know" fast food was bad for you is a crock of shit. It's such a hard realization to come to for some people, but for me it was relatively easy. I always knew that I was fat simply because I ate too damn much. I guess I just didn't even have any possible excuses... You could easily throw in the towel at any time and say that losing weight is impossible because of the steroids, or exercise is too painful because of the RA, and most people would let you say that, because it's a better reason that the reasons a lot of people provide... But it's just an excuse. No one forced the food into my mouth. It was my poor choices that got me here.
I think this is a really interesting topic, and one I might even like to blog about (if you don't mind :), but it's a dangerous one in blogland, I think. There is the weight loss/diet movement, versus the healthy lifestyle movement, versus the Big and Beautiful, Damnit movement, and they have understandable tension.
Congrats on the dress... I know you'll look great in October. You should print this picture and hang it in a few places.
Lastly... I meant to ask this in the email, but how are you feeling about keeping this as mostly a private blog? Well, how are you feeling about keeping your WL efforts more quiet this time? Are you missing having a bigger cheering squad? Is it helping to have less pressure?
How does it feel? Okay, I'm off. I'm looking forward to another entry, and don't forget your assignment (posting all the reward pictures in an entry here).
Hi Amy,
This in answer to your question on Cardinals and Animal Divination from my site, "Nature Observation and Meanings".
I put it here because for several reasons.
1. I too wish to lose weight and weight as much as you do. So I will be subscribing to your blog. Cheer you on!
Cardinal's call is "Cheer! Cheer! Cheer!" So there is one reason why the cardinal decided to get your attention - connect me to your blog.
2. It seems that the Cardinal is helping you with your efforts in losing weight - self-esteem and boldness.
3. Work with Cardinal on being agressive in what you need to do. He is offering you his strength and motivation.
Cardinals like sunflower seeds --- maybe put a few for them, or share some with them.
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From my writing on Cardinal:
This bright Bird exudes self-esteem with his bright red plumage and crest. Cardinal sings a distinctive song, “cheer, cheer, cheer,” that everyone recognizes. Like Cardinal, you can be bright and bold. Be careful not to be so territorial that you attack your own reflection.
Cardinal’s Teachings Include:
According to Dr. George P. Butler, Sr., Cardinal also teaches 'self-acknowledgement'.
Cardinal’s Advice Includes:
“Add color to your life and remember that everything you do is of importance.” Copyright: “Animal Speak”, Ted Andrews.
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