Wow, what a day. Started out bad and just got worse. My knee is terribly swollen. I had to take more Prednisone which did help during most of day but has now worn off. Add in that I have just started ToM and I am downright useless. I did some research and found out that the prednisone vs. weight loss is much harder at any daily dose over 7.5mg, and I had to take 15mg today. Fun. Except...not. Add in that I am riding the red carpet and I am not much fun to be around.
I did hear an interesting thing in my head today, though. Something I have heard a lot of times before but never really stopped to analyze it. I usually just listened to it. This voice kept whispering (in a very Jack Nicholson like way) "C'mon, why are you doing this? Why are you forcing a salad in your mouth when you could be eating ice cream? You've got six whole months before Tess' wedding...you can cheat...it's okay."
Except it's not okay, and I recognized this voice for what it was instead of just happily agreeing with it and going to shove ice cream in my face. Oh believe me, resisting the voice would have been 100% harder if I had any ice cream in the house, but a month ago I went through and tossed it ALL so that when this happened, I wouldn't be able to eat it. Add in that my knee makes me limp around like a 90 year old granny, leaving home to get junkfood ain't worth it. So I guess this is a small victory, despite my weak and blah feelings at the moment.
The truth is that six months is NOT far away. It's like, right around the corner, and I am panicking a little. I have a feeling I have gained this week (thanks to ToM) and so I am wondering with my knee the way it is if I will be able to combat that in any way. I couldn't go to Curves tonight because of it. I don't know. This is when things get SO frustrating, because the brain is SO willing to exercise (really! I like it! much better than vegetables!) but the body can't comply with what the brain wants.
If none of you have ever dealt with chronic pain, I hope you never do. Sitting in a chair and psyching yourself up just to be able to stand up and walk across the room is no fun. Standing up and having all the air leave your lungs in biting, white hot pain is no fun. Sitting in that chair, wishing you COULD go to Curves or take a nice walk outside in the gorgeous Spring weather and not being able to is almost as torturous as having someone waving ice cream in front of my face.
I just have to make it to April 30th. I will have my infusion, and it will calm down the inflamation in my knee. And if it doesn't, I go back to Dr. Brown and beg him to inject my knee with cortisone. Then I can start exercising again and get back on track.
In the meantime, I am trying really hard to ignore what I have dubbed the "Screw It" voice and consider all of those bad foods as "not an option". I am going to go to bed tonight, have a good old fashioned PMS crying jag, and then fall asleep. And tomorrow, I'll start it all over again.
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Sounds like a rough day, indeed. But, when you wake up, it will be over.
It's good that you were able to recognize the Jack Nicholson "screw it" voice. That's so important. First, you have to recognize it, then quiet it. It's not easy, but that's why not having the junk around is such a good move.
You didn't have to apologize for the negative progress report. And I know what you mean about wanting to record it so you can remember what it felt like. I just didn't want you to dwell on it unnecessarily. When I have those days, I just have to go to bed. The sooner I'm asleep, the sooner I'm safe from the cravings, and the next day comes.
Anyway, be proud that you didn't give in. That's definitely progress. And just keep doing it. This period, like all the others, will end. This pain will pass with the shot. You'll be better in no time, so just keep moving forward.
~hugs~
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