I've been paying attention to a lot more things than I used to lately. I pay attention to what I put in my mouth, and what I WANT to put in my mouth. I pay attention to the way my stomach feels when I eat and try to stop before going overboard. I pay attention to when I'm actually hungry and try to decide if I'm actually thirsty instead. I pay attention to my joints and try not to overdo it. And lately, more importantly, I pay attention to the voices in my head.
I think I realized that the internal voices so much louder than I ever knew before. And most of them (though not all) are negative. A friend of mine calls this "Hell's Chorus". I think that's a perfect name for it. Because all these voices chime in at once, and we're so accustomed to them that we almost STOP paying attention and just go on auto pilot and do what they want us to. How awful is that?
But lately, I have been stopping and paying attention. Which voice says what, and when? Why?
For instance, this past week my knee blew up. No, seriously, it swelled up with fluid (thank you, arthritis - *grimace*) to the size of a honeydew melon. I could barely walk, say nothing about exercise. It was painful just to walk across the room. And sure enough, I could hear that familiar, snarky, bitchy voice come back that said: "Why are you doing this? You know it was your own fault for pushing it too hard at Curves. If you hadn't done that, you wouldn't be in this predicament. I TOLD you that it was either exercise and be in pain all the time, or don't exercise and be pain free. NOW look what you've done!"
Yes, that one. That's the voice that comes on strongest. But right behind it are the voices telling me it's pointless to try and lose weight because I need the Prednisone, and that makes me gain weight. And then there's the voice that chimes in to say: "This obviously isn't working. You gained this week, and I don't care that you're having your period. You suck, and you should just give up."
It's awful, really, having to listen to that, day in and day out! There's a quote from one of my favorite 1980's movies that applies here. It's from "Pretty Woman". She's lying in bed facing him, and he's telling her that she's wonderful and capable of so much more than just being a hooker, and she smiles sort of sadly and says: "The bad stuff is easier to believe."
*sigh*
That's so true. But WHY? Why is it easier to believe that we're bad, or we suck, or we can't do it? Why are we so enamoured of keeping ourselves down and unhappy, or truly convinced that we can't change or make it better for ourselves? I don't know, but I bet every person who is unhappy with their body has these same issues.
The thing is, I DO have other voices. Ones that (sadly) aren't as loud as the other ones. Yet. These voices tell me it IS making a difference. That I AM changing my habits, as difficult as it is to believe and know is true. I've actually glommed on to ONE thing that I have succeeded at, and I throw it back at those negative voices whenever I hear them say that I can't do this. I have not had a drop of soda, soft drink, Coke, Pepsi, or any other caffienated beverage since March 14th. I consider that a true success. If I can do that, I can turn around and apply that same willpower to other things.
In my magical training, I have been taught to be Self Responsible. I have also been taught some clever and tricksy ways of changing those voices and making them work for you. SO, to wrap up this somewhat wordy and deep post, I have decided to grab the negative voices and make them work for ME. Here's my plan...
I am going to get a big water bottle with ice, and have it with me all the time. Every time I hear one of those voices, I am going to drink a long sip of ice water. This way, I get a LOT of water in during waking hours. And eventually, I will effectively drown out the negative voices. When I hear the positive ones, I will do something else (like maybe getting some sugar free yummy candies) to encourage them.
Am I crazy? LOL
YES
But it's okay. I'm aware those voices are there. I'm going to try and change it and pay attention.
1 comment:
These posts are really good! :) I especially like this one, and otherwise, I might have missed it. It's hard for me to remember to come over here, 'cause I don't remember when I came last, etc. Plus, I use three different computers on a regular basis, so bookmarks don't work so well for me.
But paying attention is so important! And you're right... when I was just eating mindlessly, whatever I wanted, I would actively try NOT to pay attention, because I did NOT want to worry about it. Paying attention can become tiresome, and that's when the temptation to just take a few days off of your plan hits you... but then next thing you know you've been eating like crazy for a few days. So don't give in! Pay attention! Think of me as your third grade teacher hitting your desk with a ruler to surprise you--"Pay attention, Davis!" (I sometimes take off my shoe and hit it on the desk to wake up my sleeping students. Which prompts them to go "oh... smell!")
lol. Keep engaging in a dialogue with Hell's Chorus. I love the idea of drowning Jack Nicholson out. (My voice, I think, sounds mostly like a bitchy thin girl.) And it'll get you drinking a lot of water. Excellent!
This next month will be different, and therefore quite possibly difficult. But you can do it. Persevere, and next month, you'll be settled into your new place completely with some (probably much needed) time to yourself.
Love ya!
~coach
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