I've been paying attention to a lot more things than I used to lately. I pay attention to what I put in my mouth, and what I WANT to put in my mouth. I pay attention to the way my stomach feels when I eat and try to stop before going overboard. I pay attention to when I'm actually hungry and try to decide if I'm actually thirsty instead. I pay attention to my joints and try not to overdo it. And lately, more importantly, I pay attention to the voices in my head.
I think I realized that the internal voices so much louder than I ever knew before. And most of them (though not all) are negative. A friend of mine calls this "Hell's Chorus". I think that's a perfect name for it. Because all these voices chime in at once, and we're so accustomed to them that we almost STOP paying attention and just go on auto pilot and do what they want us to. How awful is that?
But lately, I have been stopping and paying attention. Which voice says what, and when? Why?
For instance, this past week my knee blew up. No, seriously, it swelled up with fluid (thank you, arthritis - *grimace*) to the size of a honeydew melon. I could barely walk, say nothing about exercise. It was painful just to walk across the room. And sure enough, I could hear that familiar, snarky, bitchy voice come back that said: "Why are you doing this? You know it was your own fault for pushing it too hard at Curves. If you hadn't done that, you wouldn't be in this predicament. I TOLD you that it was either exercise and be in pain all the time, or don't exercise and be pain free. NOW look what you've done!"
Yes, that one. That's the voice that comes on strongest. But right behind it are the voices telling me it's pointless to try and lose weight because I need the Prednisone, and that makes me gain weight. And then there's the voice that chimes in to say: "This obviously isn't working. You gained this week, and I don't care that you're having your period. You suck, and you should just give up."
It's awful, really, having to listen to that, day in and day out! There's a quote from one of my favorite 1980's movies that applies here. It's from "Pretty Woman". She's lying in bed facing him, and he's telling her that she's wonderful and capable of so much more than just being a hooker, and she smiles sort of sadly and says: "The bad stuff is easier to believe."
*sigh*
That's so true. But WHY? Why is it easier to believe that we're bad, or we suck, or we can't do it? Why are we so enamoured of keeping ourselves down and unhappy, or truly convinced that we can't change or make it better for ourselves? I don't know, but I bet every person who is unhappy with their body has these same issues.
The thing is, I DO have other voices. Ones that (sadly) aren't as loud as the other ones. Yet. These voices tell me it IS making a difference. That I AM changing my habits, as difficult as it is to believe and know is true. I've actually glommed on to ONE thing that I have succeeded at, and I throw it back at those negative voices whenever I hear them say that I can't do this. I have not had a drop of soda, soft drink, Coke, Pepsi, or any other caffienated beverage since March 14th. I consider that a true success. If I can do that, I can turn around and apply that same willpower to other things.
In my magical training, I have been taught to be Self Responsible. I have also been taught some clever and tricksy ways of changing those voices and making them work for you. SO, to wrap up this somewhat wordy and deep post, I have decided to grab the negative voices and make them work for ME. Here's my plan...
I am going to get a big water bottle with ice, and have it with me all the time. Every time I hear one of those voices, I am going to drink a long sip of ice water. This way, I get a LOT of water in during waking hours. And eventually, I will effectively drown out the negative voices. When I hear the positive ones, I will do something else (like maybe getting some sugar free yummy candies) to encourage them.
Am I crazy? LOL
YES
But it's okay. I'm aware those voices are there. I'm going to try and change it and pay attention.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Rewards and more mind drivel
Okay, here are my WL goals and what I will buy to reward myself:
10 pounds lost - Kim Harrison's new book (yeah yeah go ahead and groan, but I like it because it's campy and sexy and fun)
20 pounds lost - The rest of the bottles for my herbs. I need about 60 of these:
http://cgi.ebay.com/2-oz-Clear-Plastic-Jar-with-black-top-50-pcs_W0QQitemZ250237057283QQihZ015QQcategoryZ57736QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
30 pounds lost - Seasons 1,2,3 of The Office
Over 30 pounds: This rug: http://cgi.ebay.com/SUN-MOON-STARS-ORIENTAL-3-X-5-AREA-RUG_W0QQitemZ350045919193QQihZ022QQcategoryZ20584QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
So yeah, if I manage to get to my goals (which I WILL!) then I will buy those things for myself. I am having a little bit of a setback this week, because not only am I having ToM, but I am also having a very bad arthritis flare in my knee. Yesterday morning my knee was swollen up to the size of a honeydew melon. No joke. So instead of taking my normal dose of prednisone, which is 7.5mg, I had to take nearly 40mg just to be able to walk around upright. It was bad, because that much prednisone is guaranteed to make me gain weight, no matter what I eat or do for exercise. So I already know that this week I gained a little over a pound, and hopefully next week it won't have gained 5 pounds or something. Sigh.
I am proud that despite the pain, I packed my whole kitchen. Obviously I left the things that I will need for the rest of this week out, but now I can say my entire apartment is packed except for the necessities. What a chore! And it's SOOO beautiful out here right now. Spring is here and all the snow is finally melted. It's been in the 80's over the past couple of days, and I have all my windows open to get the sunshine in. I feel much better when there's fresh air coming in.
I went out to dinner last night with a big group of friends to celebrate Tess' birthday. We went to a really nice restaurant in Amherst, Mass. And despite the fact that everyone else was getting pasta and nice huge plates of yummy stuff, I got myself a hamburger without the bun and a little dish of corn. I drank about 10 glasses of water, too. I had to pee all night long! LOL
Anyway, those are my rewards and my thoughts for today. :)
10 pounds lost - Kim Harrison's new book (yeah yeah go ahead and groan, but I like it because it's campy and sexy and fun)
20 pounds lost - The rest of the bottles for my herbs. I need about 60 of these:
http://cgi.ebay.com/2-oz-Clear-Plastic-Jar-with-black-top-50-pcs_W0QQitemZ250237057283QQihZ015QQcategoryZ57736QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
30 pounds lost - Seasons 1,2,3 of The Office
Over 30 pounds: This rug: http://cgi.ebay.com/SUN-MOON-STARS-ORIENTAL-3-X-5-AREA-RUG_W0QQitemZ350045919193QQihZ022QQcategoryZ20584QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
So yeah, if I manage to get to my goals (which I WILL!) then I will buy those things for myself. I am having a little bit of a setback this week, because not only am I having ToM, but I am also having a very bad arthritis flare in my knee. Yesterday morning my knee was swollen up to the size of a honeydew melon. No joke. So instead of taking my normal dose of prednisone, which is 7.5mg, I had to take nearly 40mg just to be able to walk around upright. It was bad, because that much prednisone is guaranteed to make me gain weight, no matter what I eat or do for exercise. So I already know that this week I gained a little over a pound, and hopefully next week it won't have gained 5 pounds or something. Sigh.
I am proud that despite the pain, I packed my whole kitchen. Obviously I left the things that I will need for the rest of this week out, but now I can say my entire apartment is packed except for the necessities. What a chore! And it's SOOO beautiful out here right now. Spring is here and all the snow is finally melted. It's been in the 80's over the past couple of days, and I have all my windows open to get the sunshine in. I feel much better when there's fresh air coming in.
I went out to dinner last night with a big group of friends to celebrate Tess' birthday. We went to a really nice restaurant in Amherst, Mass. And despite the fact that everyone else was getting pasta and nice huge plates of yummy stuff, I got myself a hamburger without the bun and a little dish of corn. I drank about 10 glasses of water, too. I had to pee all night long! LOL
Anyway, those are my rewards and my thoughts for today. :)
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
A bit useless tonight
Wow, what a day. Started out bad and just got worse. My knee is terribly swollen. I had to take more Prednisone which did help during most of day but has now worn off. Add in that I have just started ToM and I am downright useless. I did some research and found out that the prednisone vs. weight loss is much harder at any daily dose over 7.5mg, and I had to take 15mg today. Fun. Except...not. Add in that I am riding the red carpet and I am not much fun to be around.
I did hear an interesting thing in my head today, though. Something I have heard a lot of times before but never really stopped to analyze it. I usually just listened to it. This voice kept whispering (in a very Jack Nicholson like way) "C'mon, why are you doing this? Why are you forcing a salad in your mouth when you could be eating ice cream? You've got six whole months before Tess' wedding...you can cheat...it's okay."
Except it's not okay, and I recognized this voice for what it was instead of just happily agreeing with it and going to shove ice cream in my face. Oh believe me, resisting the voice would have been 100% harder if I had any ice cream in the house, but a month ago I went through and tossed it ALL so that when this happened, I wouldn't be able to eat it. Add in that my knee makes me limp around like a 90 year old granny, leaving home to get junkfood ain't worth it. So I guess this is a small victory, despite my weak and blah feelings at the moment.
The truth is that six months is NOT far away. It's like, right around the corner, and I am panicking a little. I have a feeling I have gained this week (thanks to ToM) and so I am wondering with my knee the way it is if I will be able to combat that in any way. I couldn't go to Curves tonight because of it. I don't know. This is when things get SO frustrating, because the brain is SO willing to exercise (really! I like it! much better than vegetables!) but the body can't comply with what the brain wants.
If none of you have ever dealt with chronic pain, I hope you never do. Sitting in a chair and psyching yourself up just to be able to stand up and walk across the room is no fun. Standing up and having all the air leave your lungs in biting, white hot pain is no fun. Sitting in that chair, wishing you COULD go to Curves or take a nice walk outside in the gorgeous Spring weather and not being able to is almost as torturous as having someone waving ice cream in front of my face.
I just have to make it to April 30th. I will have my infusion, and it will calm down the inflamation in my knee. And if it doesn't, I go back to Dr. Brown and beg him to inject my knee with cortisone. Then I can start exercising again and get back on track.
In the meantime, I am trying really hard to ignore what I have dubbed the "Screw It" voice and consider all of those bad foods as "not an option". I am going to go to bed tonight, have a good old fashioned PMS crying jag, and then fall asleep. And tomorrow, I'll start it all over again.
I did hear an interesting thing in my head today, though. Something I have heard a lot of times before but never really stopped to analyze it. I usually just listened to it. This voice kept whispering (in a very Jack Nicholson like way) "C'mon, why are you doing this? Why are you forcing a salad in your mouth when you could be eating ice cream? You've got six whole months before Tess' wedding...you can cheat...it's okay."
Except it's not okay, and I recognized this voice for what it was instead of just happily agreeing with it and going to shove ice cream in my face. Oh believe me, resisting the voice would have been 100% harder if I had any ice cream in the house, but a month ago I went through and tossed it ALL so that when this happened, I wouldn't be able to eat it. Add in that my knee makes me limp around like a 90 year old granny, leaving home to get junkfood ain't worth it. So I guess this is a small victory, despite my weak and blah feelings at the moment.
The truth is that six months is NOT far away. It's like, right around the corner, and I am panicking a little. I have a feeling I have gained this week (thanks to ToM) and so I am wondering with my knee the way it is if I will be able to combat that in any way. I couldn't go to Curves tonight because of it. I don't know. This is when things get SO frustrating, because the brain is SO willing to exercise (really! I like it! much better than vegetables!) but the body can't comply with what the brain wants.
If none of you have ever dealt with chronic pain, I hope you never do. Sitting in a chair and psyching yourself up just to be able to stand up and walk across the room is no fun. Standing up and having all the air leave your lungs in biting, white hot pain is no fun. Sitting in that chair, wishing you COULD go to Curves or take a nice walk outside in the gorgeous Spring weather and not being able to is almost as torturous as having someone waving ice cream in front of my face.
I just have to make it to April 30th. I will have my infusion, and it will calm down the inflamation in my knee. And if it doesn't, I go back to Dr. Brown and beg him to inject my knee with cortisone. Then I can start exercising again and get back on track.
In the meantime, I am trying really hard to ignore what I have dubbed the "Screw It" voice and consider all of those bad foods as "not an option". I am going to go to bed tonight, have a good old fashioned PMS crying jag, and then fall asleep. And tomorrow, I'll start it all over again.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Is it really April 12th already?
How the heck did that happen? It feels like yesterday I was tossing confetti at Gisela at NYE. Sigh. I've been so busy that 2008 is just flying by.
I am curious and surprised that in three days I will hit the one month mark of being on this diet. Aside from my pre-surgery diet for the Laproscopic Banding, this is the longest I have ever stuck with a diet. I'm curious because I've never made it that long and wonder why I am now. And yet I know why.... I have someone to report to!
I am surprised because normally by now, I give it up as being a bad job or say it's too hard or get frustrated or pissy or downright rebellious. I'd think to myself: "I shouldn't have to watch what I eat or count calories or read labels or exercise! I'm a Big, Beautiful Woman and if they don't like it, they can piss off! I'm who I am and I don't care!"
How many times that little rebellious bunny reared it's ugly ears, I can't say. But I am trained and initiated into a magical tradition that heavily stresses Self Responsibility. Everything I do is my own choice. It's MY responsibility to take care of my own body. And although the benefit of losing all this weight means buying new clothes and being more in line with what Western culture considers beautiful, I am really doing this for health reasons. I don't want to die of a heart attack at the age of 47 like my Dad did. I don't want to be wheelchair bound by the time I am 50 (this was an actual warning from my rheumatologist) and I don't want breast cancer like my Mother, Grandmother, and Great-Grandmother. (Yes I have had a mammogram - all clear).
So back to the bit about self responsibility. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine a few months ago, and I was saying how I came to this really hardcore sort of realization that my weight was really and truly MY fault. Sure, having short, round parents didn't help my DNA any, but it's MY choices in life that have kept me this way. She is also a plus size girl, and right away she started huffing away about how this society feeds us poison in the form of fast food and huge portions and no one tells us that this crap is bad for us so we just go on shoveling it in our mouths and our culture is geared towards generating fat people. I had to stop her and say: "YES, in some ways, you are right. But there ARE lots of warnings and health professionals screaming in print and voice that all this shit is bad for us and yet, we still chose to eat it."
She went on protesting, but I had to shut her off. I could hear her talking, but I refused to listen anymore. She was trying so hard to defend her own lifestyle, and here I am trying to change mine. I have decided, although this person and I have been friends a long time, that it is time for me to quietly and carefully back away and make some space between us. I need as many cheerleaders as I can get on this journey, not nay-sayers.
So along with the Self Responsibility comes the actual WORK of doing all that. It's hard. I'm having a battle with the four year old in my head who is having a ridiculous tantrum about the stupidest craving EVER. I mean, I always thought my cravings were sugar related. Ice cream being a particularly bad thing for me to be around. Cookies, cake, pie, all of that stuff has been my downfall in the past. But now that they make sugar free things that taste just as good as the original, I am finding that I eat a LOT less of the dessert-type foods anyway. What I DO crave is bizarre. Chicken Quesadillas from Friendly's Restaurant.
For some reason, my brain/tastebuds/belly have glommed on to this one terribly fattening item as the end all, be all of yumminess. WHY!??!??!?!?!?!?!? As BikiniBound tried to tell me, "they're not really even that good." But to me, they are. How the hell did I swap a drooling need for ice cream in favor of this stupid quesadilla thing? I don't know, but it's annoying the ever living crap out of me, and you probably didn't need to hear all about it. But what's typed is typed. I guess I just had to get it out.
*deep breath*
I am popping the clutch on this conversation.
Okay, so today I went with my best friend to the Bridal Barn in South Deerfield to be fitted for our bridesmaids dresses. I have been dreading this for obvious reasons. Being measured isn't my fav thing. But I am worried about this dress. Firstly, here is a picture of the beautiful bridesmaids dress Tess has picked out:
The color is Alfred Angelo's "Tealness". Isn't it beautiful? I saw it on some of the other Bridesmaids and was like: "OOOOooooh!" and then right on the heels of that came "UH-OH." Yeah, umm...I'm a size 28-30. This dress comes in a size 28, but I KNOW I'd be popping out of that thing like Janet Jackson at the SuperBowl with her "wardrobe malfunction". Needless to say, my 'girls' are much bigger than this dress accounts for, size 28 or not. Add in the fact that ALL of my weight is in my chest and stomach (my legs and butt are quite small!), I knew that this was going to be a huge problem when I sat down. Chiffon is forgiving, but not that forgiving. And sadly with my RA, sitting down a lot is a part of life.
Ahhh but the Goddess had a plan in mind. One of the other bridesmaids discovered she was pregnant a few weeks ago, and sure enough, will be eight and a half months along on October 12th, 2008. So that original dress was out. She had to be fitted for a maternity gown. Here is a pic:
I immediately jumped on that bandwagon! Despite never wanting children EVER, I do know my stomach could easily be mistaken for being pregnant. This dress allows for that tummy in front! So if I sit down, I don't have to fear looking like a beached whale in teal chiffon. I know my goal is to be down at least 40 pounds by 10/12/08, (and I WILL be!) but a dress like this is MUCH easier to alterate and take IN than it is to take out. So we are merging the two dresses. Lisa and I get the 'maternity' gown, and they are going to hem it the same way as the one the other girls are wearing. I tried my best to photoshop it so you can get an idea of what it will look like.
So yes. I am happy. I know for certain that I will have to have it taken in come the end of September, but it is worth ALL the money I will spend on alterations to lose this weight. It was kind of amusing, but the woman doing the fitting said: "Well don't lose 200 pounds or that would be very bad!"
I touched her shoulder, smiled a little and said quietly: "If I did, it would be worth the price of all the dresses in this shop."
She smiled back and nodded. It was a nice moment.
Okay, I think the last thing I wanted to ramble about (are you really still reading? Amazing!) was these next four weeks. I have literally scheduled something every single day. My plans include: Moving from Brattleboro, VT to Greenfield, MA. Hosting a friend from England. Taking her and me all over New England and even to New York City.
Man, if I don't lose at LEAST ten pounds by all that physical exercise, I'll be some kind of shocked!
Now if I can only continue to eat/drink (V8) those damn vegetables, I will be all good.
I am curious and surprised that in three days I will hit the one month mark of being on this diet. Aside from my pre-surgery diet for the Laproscopic Banding, this is the longest I have ever stuck with a diet. I'm curious because I've never made it that long and wonder why I am now. And yet I know why.... I have someone to report to!
I am surprised because normally by now, I give it up as being a bad job or say it's too hard or get frustrated or pissy or downright rebellious. I'd think to myself: "I shouldn't have to watch what I eat or count calories or read labels or exercise! I'm a Big, Beautiful Woman and if they don't like it, they can piss off! I'm who I am and I don't care!"
How many times that little rebellious bunny reared it's ugly ears, I can't say. But I am trained and initiated into a magical tradition that heavily stresses Self Responsibility. Everything I do is my own choice. It's MY responsibility to take care of my own body. And although the benefit of losing all this weight means buying new clothes and being more in line with what Western culture considers beautiful, I am really doing this for health reasons. I don't want to die of a heart attack at the age of 47 like my Dad did. I don't want to be wheelchair bound by the time I am 50 (this was an actual warning from my rheumatologist) and I don't want breast cancer like my Mother, Grandmother, and Great-Grandmother. (Yes I have had a mammogram - all clear).
So back to the bit about self responsibility. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine a few months ago, and I was saying how I came to this really hardcore sort of realization that my weight was really and truly MY fault. Sure, having short, round parents didn't help my DNA any, but it's MY choices in life that have kept me this way. She is also a plus size girl, and right away she started huffing away about how this society feeds us poison in the form of fast food and huge portions and no one tells us that this crap is bad for us so we just go on shoveling it in our mouths and our culture is geared towards generating fat people. I had to stop her and say: "YES, in some ways, you are right. But there ARE lots of warnings and health professionals screaming in print and voice that all this shit is bad for us and yet, we still chose to eat it."
She went on protesting, but I had to shut her off. I could hear her talking, but I refused to listen anymore. She was trying so hard to defend her own lifestyle, and here I am trying to change mine. I have decided, although this person and I have been friends a long time, that it is time for me to quietly and carefully back away and make some space between us. I need as many cheerleaders as I can get on this journey, not nay-sayers.
So along with the Self Responsibility comes the actual WORK of doing all that. It's hard. I'm having a battle with the four year old in my head who is having a ridiculous tantrum about the stupidest craving EVER. I mean, I always thought my cravings were sugar related. Ice cream being a particularly bad thing for me to be around. Cookies, cake, pie, all of that stuff has been my downfall in the past. But now that they make sugar free things that taste just as good as the original, I am finding that I eat a LOT less of the dessert-type foods anyway. What I DO crave is bizarre. Chicken Quesadillas from Friendly's Restaurant.
For some reason, my brain/tastebuds/belly have glommed on to this one terribly fattening item as the end all, be all of yumminess. WHY!??!??!?!?!?!?!? As BikiniBound tried to tell me, "they're not really even that good." But to me, they are. How the hell did I swap a drooling need for ice cream in favor of this stupid quesadilla thing? I don't know, but it's annoying the ever living crap out of me, and you probably didn't need to hear all about it. But what's typed is typed. I guess I just had to get it out.
*deep breath*
I am popping the clutch on this conversation.
Okay, so today I went with my best friend to the Bridal Barn in South Deerfield to be fitted for our bridesmaids dresses. I have been dreading this for obvious reasons. Being measured isn't my fav thing. But I am worried about this dress. Firstly, here is a picture of the beautiful bridesmaids dress Tess has picked out:
The color is Alfred Angelo's "Tealness". Isn't it beautiful? I saw it on some of the other Bridesmaids and was like: "OOOOooooh!" and then right on the heels of that came "UH-OH." Yeah, umm...I'm a size 28-30. This dress comes in a size 28, but I KNOW I'd be popping out of that thing like Janet Jackson at the SuperBowl with her "wardrobe malfunction". Needless to say, my 'girls' are much bigger than this dress accounts for, size 28 or not. Add in the fact that ALL of my weight is in my chest and stomach (my legs and butt are quite small!), I knew that this was going to be a huge problem when I sat down. Chiffon is forgiving, but not that forgiving. And sadly with my RA, sitting down a lot is a part of life.
Ahhh but the Goddess had a plan in mind. One of the other bridesmaids discovered she was pregnant a few weeks ago, and sure enough, will be eight and a half months along on October 12th, 2008. So that original dress was out. She had to be fitted for a maternity gown. Here is a pic:
I immediately jumped on that bandwagon! Despite never wanting children EVER, I do know my stomach could easily be mistaken for being pregnant. This dress allows for that tummy in front! So if I sit down, I don't have to fear looking like a beached whale in teal chiffon. I know my goal is to be down at least 40 pounds by 10/12/08, (and I WILL be!) but a dress like this is MUCH easier to alterate and take IN than it is to take out. So we are merging the two dresses. Lisa and I get the 'maternity' gown, and they are going to hem it the same way as the one the other girls are wearing. I tried my best to photoshop it so you can get an idea of what it will look like.
So yes. I am happy. I know for certain that I will have to have it taken in come the end of September, but it is worth ALL the money I will spend on alterations to lose this weight. It was kind of amusing, but the woman doing the fitting said: "Well don't lose 200 pounds or that would be very bad!"
I touched her shoulder, smiled a little and said quietly: "If I did, it would be worth the price of all the dresses in this shop."
She smiled back and nodded. It was a nice moment.
Okay, I think the last thing I wanted to ramble about (are you really still reading? Amazing!) was these next four weeks. I have literally scheduled something every single day. My plans include: Moving from Brattleboro, VT to Greenfield, MA. Hosting a friend from England. Taking her and me all over New England and even to New York City.
Man, if I don't lose at LEAST ten pounds by all that physical exercise, I'll be some kind of shocked!
Now if I can only continue to eat/drink (V8) those damn vegetables, I will be all good.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
My Contract
So BikiniBound suggested I read this sparkpeople article about creating a personal contract for yourself and your weight loss. So I did, and I read hers, and I really liked the idea. So here is mine.
My Contract for Weight Loss Success
I, Amy Sue Davis, hereby agree and commit to take the following steps to improve my accountability to myself and ensure my weight loss success:
1. I will not let one small slip-up convince me that I'm stupid or weak. I will not give up and continue eating unhealthy food just because of a bad choice. I will find positive ways to comfort and support myself when I’m having a hard time. I will stop and take time to understand why I am craving junk food and try to analyze it, move past it and make a better choice. Instead of berating myself, I will breathe, ground, and cleanse myself with a glass of water. I will re read this contract. I will re read my reasons for wanting to be thid and healthy and all the amazing things I will do when I am at my goal weight. I will check in with Brittany in order to get past the cravings or emotional state that makes me think I am hungry. I will drink water or chew a piece of gum. I will go for a walk or search online for clothes I will wear when I am at my goal weight.
2. I will not sacrifice my own needs to make other people happy, or do for them what they can and should be doing for themselves. When there is a conflict between my exercise and eating plans and what other people want me to do, I will negotiate to find a reasonable solution that allows me to do what I need to do for myself. This is NOT AN OPTION. Even if it means disappointing a friend, being late for an appointment or even making someone angry, I will not back down. I will put myself and my eating and exercise habits first.
3. I choose to be in charge of my own decisions and behavior. I will not talk, think, or act as if my cravings, TOM, or subconscious made me do it. I will ask myself what’s most important to me at that moment and make my decision. If I don’t like the consequences, I will try something different the next time. After I have made it to my goal weight, I will not just go right back to those old habits that packed on the pounds. I will always remember what it felt like to be 232 pounds and never go back there again.
So yes. I like it. I'm going to print it and carry it around with me. I also thought about taping a small piece of paper to my steering wheel in my car that says: "It's NOT AN OPTION!" which also has a pic of me at my worst, so that it's easier to say no to McDonald's or Burger King or Wendy's. It's right there in my face, harder to ignore. :)
I also wrote my own personal mantra:
I am no longer a slave to food. I live a healthy, balanced lifestyle and I weigh between 130-150 pounds. My arthritis doesn’t rule my life, and I no longer fear diabetes, heart disease or being wheelchair bound. I am free to be everything I know I can be.
My Contract for Weight Loss Success
I, Amy Sue Davis, hereby agree and commit to take the following steps to improve my accountability to myself and ensure my weight loss success:
1. I will not let one small slip-up convince me that I'm stupid or weak. I will not give up and continue eating unhealthy food just because of a bad choice. I will find positive ways to comfort and support myself when I’m having a hard time. I will stop and take time to understand why I am craving junk food and try to analyze it, move past it and make a better choice. Instead of berating myself, I will breathe, ground, and cleanse myself with a glass of water. I will re read this contract. I will re read my reasons for wanting to be thid and healthy and all the amazing things I will do when I am at my goal weight. I will check in with Brittany in order to get past the cravings or emotional state that makes me think I am hungry. I will drink water or chew a piece of gum. I will go for a walk or search online for clothes I will wear when I am at my goal weight.
2. I will not sacrifice my own needs to make other people happy, or do for them what they can and should be doing for themselves. When there is a conflict between my exercise and eating plans and what other people want me to do, I will negotiate to find a reasonable solution that allows me to do what I need to do for myself. This is NOT AN OPTION. Even if it means disappointing a friend, being late for an appointment or even making someone angry, I will not back down. I will put myself and my eating and exercise habits first.
3. I choose to be in charge of my own decisions and behavior. I will not talk, think, or act as if my cravings, TOM, or subconscious made me do it. I will ask myself what’s most important to me at that moment and make my decision. If I don’t like the consequences, I will try something different the next time. After I have made it to my goal weight, I will not just go right back to those old habits that packed on the pounds. I will always remember what it felt like to be 232 pounds and never go back there again.
So yes. I like it. I'm going to print it and carry it around with me. I also thought about taping a small piece of paper to my steering wheel in my car that says: "It's NOT AN OPTION!" which also has a pic of me at my worst, so that it's easier to say no to McDonald's or Burger King or Wendy's. It's right there in my face, harder to ignore. :)
I also wrote my own personal mantra:
I am no longer a slave to food. I live a healthy, balanced lifestyle and I weigh between 130-150 pounds. My arthritis doesn’t rule my life, and I no longer fear diabetes, heart disease or being wheelchair bound. I am free to be everything I know I can be.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
This is an adventure
Okay, so here I am! This seems like the millionth diet I have been on, but in truth all the other diets I tried have failed pretty much before they really started doing anything for me. But there's a big difference here. Bikini Bound has offered to be my cheerleader, coach, and diet guru. I tell her what I eat every day, what I've done for exercise, and she gives me goals and gently chides me when I mess up. Having someone to report too is making a HUGE difference in how I view this diet.
There are several reasons I have always given up before. One, I hate vegetables. Yup. Hates them. I can eat potatoes and corn! (Starch) and carrots. I can eat romaine lettuce. Anything else makes my taste buds cry pathetically. So I am trying really hard to get past that. I know one of the biggest keys to living healthy and losing weight is vegetables. So that's gonna be a challenge.
I also have rheumatoid arthritis, which makes exercising challenging. I cannot get down on the floor. I have frozen shoulder on my left arm. I have severe knee issues. I also take Prednisone (a steroid) so that I can live relatively pain free, but that comes with a hefty price. Steroids make you gain weight. So I have to work extra hard and watch what I eat so much more carefully. I am finding that I really like working out at Curves. Right now I am on a three time a week schedule, and it's going really well! Hopefully I can notch that up to 4x a week soon, but I don't want to push it and hurt myself and be back down where I was, not exercising at ALL because of RA pain. But I'm discovering (much to my surprise) that I LIKE to exercise there. And with the weather here in Massachusetts getting more and more Spring-like, I think it will be nice to walk outside soon.
And here's the kicker... A year ago (May 8th, 2007), I had laproscopic banding surgery. To tell you the whole sordid, disgusting, and disappointing story would take hours and lots of typing and painful memories to recount. If you feel up to it, go check out www.livejournal.com/thefutureamy . Otherwise, just know that I was supposed to have the gastric bypass. For medical reasons, I couldn't. So I had the banding instead. It's failed. I had lost 30 pounds prior to the surgery. I have gained it all back.
I started this diet on March 15th. I weighed 232 pounds (or at least, that is what the scale at home said). I now weigh 224. On October 12, 2008, my best friend Tess is getting married. I am the maid of honor. I REFUSE to look like a beached whale in teal chiffon. I refuse to have a double chin. I refuse to panic because the dress she wants doesn't come in my size. I am going to get to my goal weight, and on the way there, I will end up looking beautiful in my dress at the wedding.
Yes I can do this.
There are several reasons I have always given up before. One, I hate vegetables. Yup. Hates them. I can eat potatoes and corn! (Starch) and carrots. I can eat romaine lettuce. Anything else makes my taste buds cry pathetically. So I am trying really hard to get past that. I know one of the biggest keys to living healthy and losing weight is vegetables. So that's gonna be a challenge.
I also have rheumatoid arthritis, which makes exercising challenging. I cannot get down on the floor. I have frozen shoulder on my left arm. I have severe knee issues. I also take Prednisone (a steroid) so that I can live relatively pain free, but that comes with a hefty price. Steroids make you gain weight. So I have to work extra hard and watch what I eat so much more carefully. I am finding that I really like working out at Curves. Right now I am on a three time a week schedule, and it's going really well! Hopefully I can notch that up to 4x a week soon, but I don't want to push it and hurt myself and be back down where I was, not exercising at ALL because of RA pain. But I'm discovering (much to my surprise) that I LIKE to exercise there. And with the weather here in Massachusetts getting more and more Spring-like, I think it will be nice to walk outside soon.
And here's the kicker... A year ago (May 8th, 2007), I had laproscopic banding surgery. To tell you the whole sordid, disgusting, and disappointing story would take hours and lots of typing and painful memories to recount. If you feel up to it, go check out www.livejournal.com/thefutureamy . Otherwise, just know that I was supposed to have the gastric bypass. For medical reasons, I couldn't. So I had the banding instead. It's failed. I had lost 30 pounds prior to the surgery. I have gained it all back.
I started this diet on March 15th. I weighed 232 pounds (or at least, that is what the scale at home said). I now weigh 224. On October 12, 2008, my best friend Tess is getting married. I am the maid of honor. I REFUSE to look like a beached whale in teal chiffon. I refuse to have a double chin. I refuse to panic because the dress she wants doesn't come in my size. I am going to get to my goal weight, and on the way there, I will end up looking beautiful in my dress at the wedding.
Yes I can do this.
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